Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

   i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   thinks Toyota missed an opportunity with their commercials by not using Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   other than the two ton woodpecker trying to escape from my head I'm fine.

   The other day I threw a boomerang at a ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

   going into the fitting room at Walmart and yelling very loudly there is no toilet paper in here

   Rubbing one out thinking about Wall-E and EVA in the throes of robo-love

   If by “metrosexual,” you mean “secret homo” then yes, that's a great way to describe yourself.

   Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

   You can become rich, achieve high social standing, hold multiple degrees, and still be an idiot.

   It's strap-on fat...and I can take it off anytime I want to!

   heard that Corey Feldman was reportedly wandering around Haimlessly in Los Angeles