Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   my steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding, consequently I have been led to masticate upon this dictionary.

   My son is on 11 months and can't talk but sometimes I think it's fun to imagine what he would say if he could... like this morning; I imagined him saying "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

   Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

   has just realised that I've been walking round the office with my flies un-done - that would now explain the 38 female friend requests then

   told that he had great potential but applied himself innappropriately. To my responce....Thanks?!

   's steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding.

   gonna wait until 12:01 tonight, feed some mogwais,pour water on them and then set them loose in The white house.

   Today my allergies came up to me, punched me in the face and said "Hi B%tch! Miss Me?"

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to

   learnt a lesson: Hardwork leads to success and 'blame' works just as well

   Instead of a "See who is looking at your profile" application, the one the could be the most fun would be, "See who is online with their chat turned off."

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   attracting success like a magnet!

   Naomi Campbell should take up golf because she's really good at hitting the driver.

   Gun control is using both hands & hitting your target!

   not a stalker. Look! Here's a picture of you in the shower... am I in it? Nooooo!

   When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?... When blondes have more fun do they know it? Just a couple of life's riddles that beg for an answer.

   thought of the day .....if I were a dog and you were a flower I would lift up my leg and give you a shower ! lol