Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   "Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the T?" "That's a Cross..." "Across from what?"

   There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.

   I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...

   When it comes to rotating the view of a picture or PDF, every bit of my sense of clock-wise or counter clock-wise goes right out the window.

   If I bought everything you wanted me to, spam merchants, I'd be too conked out from the Vicodin to fit that Rolex watch around my giant penis.

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   U Can't Touch This. Well he didn't say that when the IRS took his money!

   In the early 90's hip-hop game, I suppose MC Hammer was wearing the trousers!

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   so tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James...it happens to everybody just ask me about my "X"!

   If you are interested in paying higher taxes your an idiot, but if you feel really strongly about it, the US department of treasury actually accepts donations by credit card for all those idiots that want to give their money to the gov't

   Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   confesses, as a kid he used to have a crush on that crazy-ass evil blonde chick on "Little House on The Prarie"