Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours. But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   behind every sucessful woman der is a man staring at her ass

   I love getting all these "you are soo funny"!" You make me laugh so much!!" Yeah well I can make you moan also status king blah

   I miss high school...only there could you hear at ten in the morning...Bro afta shave on my balls was the worst idea ever

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning..Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling? OK.. Thompson Twins I am going to say no if you are taking a piss!

   letdown. Crop circles just don't have the same mystique in backyard grass. (mood: disappointed)

   ...Broken nose, bust lip, teeth knocked, black eye..but she started it so f**k her

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   There's a first time for everything.......Except deja vu.

   some kid told me that my "Picture is under Idiot in the Dictionary" I put on a medieval face and replied "It's better then the obituary!!"

   supposed to cross the street with the skeleton. But he didn't have the guts

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   They told me to think outside the box....I just learned this did not mean I could leave the box.