Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   given a choice at birth a big penis or great memory!......... I cant remember what I chose

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

   I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

   I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

   the proof for darwin's theory.

   Its a beautiful day out. The sun is out, the birds are out and Ricky Martin is out

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   enjoyed how Ben Roethlisberger decided he needed to look like Jesse James at his press conference!

   KFC's new Double-Down sandwich was just introduced for $4.99...For an extra .99 cents a KFC employee will cut out the middleman altogether and lean over the counter and stab you in the friggin' heart!!

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit."

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Gee! that lady from Operation Repo gets bigger with each repo :O

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms.