Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to legend, the only way to stop the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Lady Gaga and Britney Spears at same time.

   Remember, the next time Iceland says "pull my finger" ignore it

   I'm not that big on Volcanic Ash... I'm more of a Volcanic boob man!

   (O)ne (B)ig (A)ss (M)istake (A)merica

   this just in...authorities have photographic evidence of George Bush turning a huge Icelandic Volcano Valve in his back yard,,,,I knew it...

   My night and shining armor, ending up being a retard in tin foil;)

   here for you...but not now I am playing video games.

   I like fat girls, they need lovin' too. Unfortunately most Guys won't repost this.

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.