Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!

   resides on the top of Mountain Dew.

   If I followed the advice "live every day like it's your last," I'd become an 800 pound criminal with multiple STDs.

   Dear news people, stop trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull, you are all sounding like idiots, just call it The Volcano, is way easier...

   My 4 year old son is running around saying "Yippie-Kay-Yay" and it's taking everything I've got to keep from yelling "Mother-Fucker!" Yeah, I think I may seen "Die Hard" too many times.

   broke someone's heart and now he's paying for that!!! [So Sorry!]

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   Why were hurricanes normally named after women?Because when they come they are wet and wild.But when they do they take your house & car with them ;-)

   Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in the kitchen, artist at home and devil in the bed. But they get an artist in kitchen, a devil at home and an economist in Bed.

   90% of married men cheat on their wives in the US.....the rest go to thailand

   a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my....other handle? Great! I've turned into a frickin' sugar bowl!!

   While creating wives, God promised men that good & ideal wives will be found in all corners of the world and then he made the earth round!

   Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.

   says Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!

   Justin Bieber to replace Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana starting in 2011.

   More than 72% of women lose their virginity while riding a bike on a bumpy road.

   I'd swim the ocean for you... LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there.

   Don't worry if your job is small and your rewards are few. Remember the mighty oak was once a nut like you!

   Deal of the century: Iceland took billions of Euros from the EU, and instead of paying them back in cash, they are returning them with ASH.