Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was 13, I had my first love, ASDFGHJKQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNM above!

   learning life lesson number 68, don't fry bacon naked!...ouch

   When you lie to everyone else. You're only lying to yourself.

   If you read my mind you'll see I'm CRAZY FOR YOU ....

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   If this soo called God dwells inside of us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

   If crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   so turns out you CAN use lemon juice to get goats blood off of the curtains

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   "Do I look like a bag, a gadget or a perfume to you?" Stop tagging me if the photo doesn't have my face or my torso or my knee or my... you got what I'm saying

   stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

   needs 18 more Farmers Daughters.....but not in Farmville

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.