Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its amazing how many of Darwin's biggest obstacles are allowed the privelage to drive on our roadways in this day in age.

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   Canceled my trip to Arizona because my dog doesn't have papers...

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   Jesus said in the Bible that it was much easier for children to get into heaven than adults. What priests want in heaven, they get in heaven.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   wondering if what he is wondering is wonderful enough!

   if you ever want a confidence boost just turn on your tv and watch Maury. If that doesnt help, you need help.

   life's a b***h, but she throws one hell of a party..

   first they ban all the mexicans from az and now my happy Meals from cali,.,.,. Wats upp with this country??

   I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work