Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'

   There should be breathalyzers installed in phones and facebook, that read "cannot text, call, or update status while under the infulence"

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   nice perfume....must you marinate in it?

   if I mad 9.9 million dollars a year,.. a b*tch wouldn't be my problem either."

   working on his six pack, of beer that is!

   Karma: The "Gotcha" of the gods

   I stopped playing UNO with the Mexicans ,They Cheat They keep stealing all the Green Cards !!

   I know for a fact that one of my facebook friends are playing with thy self as I write this status..ok who is it???

   As of tommorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and tweak your boobs. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings> Boob Tweakage Settings and uncheck the Shenanigans box.

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs

   Dear Obama, Just a question… if I somehow am able to sneak into the White House (Illegally)… and I am wearing my normal day to day clothes, looking suspicious... Is it fair to assume that I won't be asked for my crudentials as long as I'm good?

   how am I supposed to look at the glass as half full when I drank all the beer??

   we don't choose who you fall in love with, we can only pray that thay fall in love with us too ♥

   When the World calmly tells you, "Give Up" on your struggles to success, You whisper back and say, "Hell...No"

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *´¨`*:.☆ HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.