Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   Always hold your girlfriend/wife's hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!.

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   heard that coroner's report that Gary Coleman died from a series of Diff'rent Strokes

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   coming up with a funny status update is overated.. be content with this one..

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

   Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   Paul Newman's half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too, put them together, what a fine looking Jew

   Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, ⠀˜Lie to me!'

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   my facebook wall is not the best way for me to respond to you Quicker,.. You'll have better luck getting a hold of me if you were to shout my name inside your own home... well,.. I guess depending on the situation."

   more people should be less like most people.

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leak...AND the BP execs will be able to go horseback riding afterwards.

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."