Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   I heard Cialis has a new spokesman... Randy Johnson!

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   Man tried to hitch on an Airbus by hiding inside the landing tire... people say he was terminally ill! what a turbulent life...

   I hate when my foot falls asleep... it usually means it's going to be up all night!

   I'm not drunk... I'm just tired from drinking all day!

   World Cup Finals... Its Heineken vs. Sangria. screw it, lets get drunk!

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.