Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   just recorded his own voice as a new ringtone for my phone: "You lost me again, you are an idiot" - this ringtone gets played everytime my office number calls my cell phone.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   Its hot as hades outside, some people call it hell, I call it hades..ummmmhhhhhh

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   dear grades, get well soon...

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   So my boss told me I was well rounded this morning... I didnt know whether to thank him.. or punch his lights out..

   conducting a test of the emergency Facebook system. If this had been an actual emergency, then you need help because who looks at Facebook during an emergency?

   just realized that he wasnt really a big hit, he's just a typical sh*t in a prince charming outfit :)

   Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   finding when it comes to chickens, talk is cheep

   Thinks Spiders are incredible. Us humans think we are so smart...Lets try shooting silk outta our butts and see what we could make!

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?