Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder !!

   As a social experiment next semester, I'm going to walk up to strangers and follow them.

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

   I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."

   Put your seatbelt on I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

   I wonder if off-duty cops slow down when they see a cop car.

   I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.

   When I try to get the picture taken of me and my friends all nicely facing the camera, one person always blinks, another looks like a stroke victim and a third looks like she was just goosed. Come on girls, figure it out - smile and hold the pose.

   What the hell are you supposed to do while the whole room is singing you happy birthday. Just smile? sing along? dance?