Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them realize they had this talent.

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   You know it's too early when you try to put the cereal box in the refrigerator.

   Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?

   can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

   just wondering if there's ever been a "hook-up" on "Wife Swap" that ABC just couldn't air! LOL! Wouldn't that be HILARIOUS?!!!=)

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   likes For ALL You PeOpLe to STOP liking every little THANG on Facebook! on ♥.