Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This girl asked me, "Why guys always have their hands down their pants?" I told her, "When you've got something great, you want to hold onto it."

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

   I'm not hiding anything... but stop looking at my phone while I'm texting.

   Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.

   The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   Like all moms, there are days when Mother Nature just wants to feel sexy. Somehow, this leads to hurricanes.

   lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   Dear A+. You are the most beautiful grade of them all... Thank you for visiting... Please hang out with me more often... We belong together... I will never tire of looking at you...

   Dont Drink and Ebay.. you'll surely get bankrupt

   Mon :( Tues :/ Wed :| Thurs :) Friday :D Sat ^.^ Sun -_-

   CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!

   We should get 600 rolls of toilet paper, and tp Trevor Hoffmans house...

   it's been a great summer and would like to thank the ladies for the great mammaries

   I got enough crap in my life at the moment sorry I cant fit you in!

   The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.