Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?

   Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain....

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   Twilight: The story of a young girls struggle between necrophilia and beastiality.

   Cancel my subscription....I am done with your issues!

   Those who say you only fall in love once must not have a FB, cause I see ALOT of PPL falling in love like every other week with a new person!! .. and if this offends you, maybe you need to take a look at your situation.

   Facebook the number one rumor starter

   it wrong to laugh at the flaming gay guys getting attacked by bees? What? It's funny!

   I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.

   Want to program my GPS to say "Right turn Clyde" whenever the right turn now arrow appears.

   by now, even Ed Hardy thinks that shirt makes you look like a douche.

   someone is having a keg of the Mondays

   Kindness is just love with its workboots on.

   Of this I am certain: This war on terrorism which has been longer than any other modern war thus far, will turn into a war of religion, Christianity vs Islam because of Ignorants and Fundamentalists on either side.

   Steve Irwin should have used sunscreen.... it protects from harmful rays

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

   Drive careful studies show that 89% of all people are caused by accidents