Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess it's time to go grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'Can't live like this'

   likes to send facebook status updates from my phone sometimes just to make it look like I left the house that day.

   DON'T hit kids, NO- seriously, they have guns now.

   P.S. don't forget to take that stick outta ur ass! ;)

   did you stop to think and forget to start again?

   it's 3a.m...shouldn't YOU be baking?

   I'm going to miss you SOOO much! It's not just the sex....it's the food preparation too!! ;)

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 26yrs!

   trying to drown all her troubles, but couldn't get her husband to go swimming.

   YEP McDonald's has done it AGAIN.....f*cked up ANOTHER order!!

   that a gun in ur pocket...or you just happy to see me? ;)P

   I bet teaching abstinence in school now days is much easier with the invention of the #FleshLight

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"

   a recent survey has found that most men do not partake in doing Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL) as ritual before going to an evening event/gala. Adversely, men are apt to remain active in an older tradition spanning many decades... Shave, Shower, Sh-it. (SSS)

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   When in doubt, whip it out..

   Wouldn't you think that lego people give the perfect hand jobs!?!?!

   If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged... I would just start yelling out letters!