Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   |\\//\\//\\//\\| <-- <y best attempt at creating a piece of virtual bacon for you

   stuck in traffic. Send bacon.

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   Just because a guy wears a dress and dances with men doesn't mean he's gay.

   answered the phone at work, when the person asked if Roger was available..I said no, he's married

   answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em

   coloring outside the lines

   she would rather be a smartass than a dumbass

   you know why guns are better the woman? You can put a silencer on a gun

   sitting on the toilet and a Huge spider walked in under the door...at least I didn't poo my pants

   DAMN you Farkle for temping me to Roll the Dice just one more time!

   when I would cry as a kid, my sisters would sing..nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll eat some worms....maybe I should have tried the worms?...nah rather have no friends!

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   someone asked me what CRS was...I couldn't remember

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   the best part of baking is licking the bowl.

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"