Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer

   Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? (Two highballs and a Squirt)

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things and an upside down 4.

   choo choo...Lindsay Lohan...WHAT A TRAIN WRECK!

   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!

   ______________is so gay, he is trying to drill a glory hole in his facebook wall.