Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A baby first laughs at around 4 weeks of age. Of course, this is the same time its eyes begin to focus and can see you clearly.

   "Hey Dog the Bounty Hunter!" F#CK YOU!" Sincerely Waldo

   I really would've liked the movie about Facebook a whole lot more if it wasn't full of Farmville invites

   Facebook: You already know a person by looking at his/her profile even if you never met or talked to that person in your entire life

   I don't do cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

   "how much is an Eminem?" "50 Cent" "WHAT?! That's Ludacris! Black Eyed Peas are much cheaper. I can go get them at my granny's house. She lives 3 Doors Down." "Sweet! Let's take the Backstreet, Boys."

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   cocaine: is actually a rich man's aspirin

   I got a flu shot for $24 from Target However, I declined the offer of a $50 colonoscopy in the men's room.

   KARMA: Smackdown of the Gods!

   the walls have eyes...

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF

   finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do.