Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.

   I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.

   ...knows the difference between "should of" and "should have" since 1979!

   Going to look for the meaning of life, first place I'm gunna check is this bottle of vodka

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   I got a Taser today... ...and a kitten to replace the neighbor's cat that died in a totally unrelated incident.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.

   o the US Govt. Infected Guatemalan's with Gonorrhea back in the 50's. 1. Why? 2. I bet it was a social experiment more than medical. "Hey lets see if Miguel can talk his way out of this one."

   Dear Simon, why the hell should I do what you say???

   Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

   I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.

   Chowing down on some Free Range Whale. The Japanese do it all the time... nom nom nom

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