Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please put this as your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on Alderaan when it was obliterated by the Death Star. The Rebel Alliance wants to bring peace to the galaxy, but the Galactic Empire continues to kill innocent civilians. 93% w

   When I flush spiders down the toilet, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply letting them experience their own private Raging Waters.

   so, what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated

   Thinking they need to make pro football and basketball coaches wear uniforms like baseball coaches do.

   had absolutely no sympathy for the large woman who dropped her mars bar in front of me today but physically couldnt get down to pick it up

   "Back in my day we never went to school, the Indians taught us!"

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars. - george jung

   If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!

   Ok I can only last 5 mins in bed so remind me....... why am I going to use Trojan fire&ice again????

   My ex once told me we need to speak the same language... so I ordered Rosetta Stone crazy edition so I could learn to communicate in her native tongue!

   Simba was walking to slow, so she told him to mufasa

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   wondering if ghosts only speak/understand english?

   Wonder what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way

   Lil'Wayne must be strong if he can pick the world up and drop it on my head

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...