Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   Put this as your status if you know someone/are related to someone who suffers from "Put This Iin Your Status Syndrome" or PTIYSS. PTIYSS is a real disorder similar to Farmville that aggrivates the $H!T out of other people and should be taken seriously. T

   Step one: admitting you have a problem. Um.....I have a problem... DON't wanna get out of bed.

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation!

   Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!

   Beauty is why God invented eyeballs.., and your booty is why God invented my balls...

   Spongebob is trying to give Gary a bath, aren't they already underwater?

   Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   one of those "Real Men Of Genius" Bud Light is talkin' about.....

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   loading weekend… ██████████ 80% complete - (for Thursdays)

   Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   What do you think is the best Social Networking tool? Facebook? Twitter? Orkut? ... I say BEER! Yep, that's right. There's no other medium that makes friends bond as much as beer does....

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   Cheesy pick up line for the weekend: "Well, your here so I got my treat.How about we go to my place for some tricks?"

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   amazed how unexpectedly and rapidly things can change. I am Gizmo and water was just splashed on me.