Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   Note to self: After applying Icy Hot, make sure to wash hands before going to the bathroom!!

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!

   now that the FB font is smaller, less of my friends will notice my witty status updates and posts.

   If you are drunk, and you get bitten by a mosquito. Since alcohol is in your blood, I wonder what that does to the mosquito...Things that make you go hmm...Be Breezy

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote..

   I go where I please...and I please where I go.

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   You know your ugly when you have more pictures of your family then yourself ' Haha

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.