Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She goes down more than a submarine commander.

   Q: Are you tired of this sillyass Q & A game everyone is doing? A: Yes I wish that they would $hit and fall back in it.

   My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.

   Trail mix should just sell M&M's

   I have to say here lately i've been very surprised that after clicking spell check I have no spelling errors...

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   Well... it finally happened. I got a notice that I am being sued by Metallica for $1.3M not paying for their music... I never pirated their music... but I never bought an album either, so I guess that's the complaint.

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!

   If a woman says she likes it she hates it, if she says she loves it she likes it, if she is speechless she loves it

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Does everyone get my explanation or do you all need a demonstration?

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons