Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since you're asking....I want a mistletoe belt buckle for Christmas.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   T.S.A. pat downs on children are a direct violation of their civil puberties

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   BREAKING NEWS: Philip Morris teams up with TSA to offer free cigarette after clearing airport security. (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

   The main trouble with mental notes is, the ink fades so fast.

   Ladies, if the bra doesn't fit don't wear one! No need seeing them two looking like two bald men fighting

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they've said that before.

   My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   "I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."