Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Furnace quit working and I woke up to a house that was 59 degrees. For a minute there, I thought I was married again:)

   While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it......thanks a lot Mario Kart.

   Why oh why do people use an apostrophe to make a word plural? An apostrophe s is only used to show possession (Jane's books) or a contraction for "is" (she's late for work). Get it?

   Some git has stolen a pair of my wifes knickers of the washing line shes not bothered just wants the 22 pegs back

   Can't we just b friends????....a consolation prize for all those wasted years

   Whatever you do DO NOT look the bell ringers in the eye's...

   Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

   I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.

   The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   the 1 item on my Black Friday shopping list this year is a mistletoe belt buckle for myself.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."