Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If first dates are interviews, then second dates are negotiatons.

   3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers. I'm ready for bootycall Friday night to begin!

   One good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   I'm not a chef. But I'd be happy to baste your turkey for you.

   I can't believe that guy in the Heineken commercial stole my wedding reception move!!

   Mexico can never get an Olympic team together... anybody who can run, swim or jump is already in the States.

   Q:Why do you want to be a flight attendant? A:So I can be high all day.  

   I be the internet moves quite fast between midnight and 3am. All the Potter geeks will be at the movies rather than searching for online "secrets".

   Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.

   I felt like an escaped hostage after finally getting off the phone with this long winded guy...do

   It's amazing how many Catholic priests have left the church to pursue careers with the TSA...

   theres only one way to become champion ......... never loose

   you can't tune a piano, but you can tune a fish

   I just bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to saving money for only $89.99!

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   Everyone complains about octomom but everyone loves the duggars who popped out 20+ of those things. Shows you americans don't understand how much octo means

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.