Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?

   Finally ALLOWED to use the computer. My dog has been on assbook all morning.

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again

   With Thanksgiving coming up..this year I thought I'd try something new, so my friend took me turkey hunting and I shot one! We had a ball but sure scared Hell out of everyone in the frozen food department!

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Look ladies, I'm not a player. I'm just active participant. :0)

   Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.

   Who's cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp?

   On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

   If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?

   If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?