Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber wins at the American Music Awards...reason enough to declare war on Canada

   The only turkey I'll be having on Thursday most likely is the wild kind, on the rocks

   ummmm...nothin like wild turkey for thanksgiving.

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on the list.

   decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   sai Yes to weed, No to cigarettez.

   Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year, Wonder why every one hate america

   You know why Asian couples can't have there own Caucasian baby?? Because 2 wongs don't make a white.

   You're going to listen to what I play and fuggin like it........ Signed Pandora

   I'm a little bit hungry. I could eat a pony

   so I guess it's officially ok now, when you use a condom, to refer to it as "the pope hat"

   Enough with those "He went to Jared

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!