Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children

   So... what's this I hear about Coronas being infected?

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   Yes, you know...the same Stormy Daniels ordered to pay $293,000 to him for lying.

   You mean lies like "I never met Stormy Daniel's in my life"?