Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I want for Christmas is for Santa to give me a copy of his naughty list. ;0)

   Help support heating assistance programs....Ladies post photos of your cold nips.

   Hard Nipple season has arrived! Thank you Mr. Jack Frost. Well played sir!

   I changed my profile pic to the kids from south park, since it's for the children. Seems appropriate right?

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Washington DC didn't ban a nativity scene this Christmas. They just couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin anywhere in the city

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more awkward!

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more akward!

   I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid?

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"

   changing my profile pic isn't going to change anything is this world..i'd rather donate a bit of money than change my pic.

   Throughout all this freezin weather and snow we have been gettin,all my mrs has done is stare through the window.....i guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in !!!

   It doesn't really matter how high you can jump, or how fast you can go... it's all about how well you can bounce.