Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.

   today, when I asked my dad why wedding dresses are white, he replied; "son, all household appliances come in white".

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   sitting beside a hot girl that just picked her nose and put it under her seat... She's no longer hot.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   "You can't see London. You can't see France, until we see your underpants." -TSA

   Ahoy! wanted t' put Pirate as one o' my speakin' languages, Arrhg! Scallawags!

   Expect the entire internet to run slower for a while. 11 million nerds are sucking up the bandwidth to experience the Cataclysm.