Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   thinks spell check is for the week

   finding himself saying "never eat soggy worms," to remeber my easts and wests

   was surprised to receive a compliment about his VW Jetta today - especially at a Mazda/GM car dealership. The salesman said: "Well German engineering, you can't go wrong. I just can't believe they killed so many Jews. You have a Merry Christmas."

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   Breaking news: Taliban fighters seen throwing down their weapons and running for the hills after USA repeals "Don't Ask Don't Tell".......

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   Cause nobody says, "Slow down, theres a security gaurd!"

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it..

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.

   90% of the time when I say "brb" it just means I don't want to talk to you anymore

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   I hate liars, but I love a good bedtime story.

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.