Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will.

   The cops found a missing person with nappy hair, crusty feet, doo-doo stained undies, holding a Happy Meal bag. I'm worried SICK... are you okay?

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   I hate when people put every detail of everything they do on here! I don't want to know about what you are doing at every moment, be right back I have to poop!

   Words of Wisdom: "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"

   I'm confused at why people need to be told how to lose weight. Is it really that confusing?? Quit shoving so much food down your throat....the end!!!

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   Every good friend once was a stranger.

   Someone should help Rihanna. She likes rude boys, loves being lied to, thinks she's the only girl in the world & has forgotten her name

   The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   doesn't think that even Ferris Bueller could get him out of work tomorrow.. :-(

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"