Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It seems like earlier this week my horoscope would have said "A big change to be coming soon".....Who knows, maybe it did, and I was just reading the wrong one..

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   The object on your left is now your weapon of choice in the upcoming zombie apocalypse..... What is it?????

   girls status ((i prayed for someone like you; and I thank God, that I finally found you)) next day guys are asshols

   Went to Walmart today. Now I know why lions eat their young.

   Your boss is coming! Log off now!!

   Somebody beer me stat!

   india foxtrot yankee oscar uniform charlie alpha november uniform november delta echo romeo sierra tango alpha november delta tango hotel india sierra Charlie Oscar papa yankee alpha november delta papa alpha sierra tango echo tango oscar yankee oscar uni

   God made your butt crack up and down because if it were sideways, when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf

   Dear Darwin. I just found a few more candidates for you on the drive into work.

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Hates it when you are waiting at a red light for a long time with zero traffic then it changes to a flashing yellow.

   Ever have one of those friends that has been there for you, took interest in what you do then just stops talking to

   Dennis Leary is my calm inner voice.

   Everyone relax - astrology is still total bullsh*t.

   When I was young, we had to walk outside to find out what the weather was like

   I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

   I remember the days when we actually used our phones to talk to each other.

   gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!!