Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   What are Jared Kushner's qualifications? Screwing the boss' daughter.

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

   I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.

   At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?