Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Volkswagen..Das auto is a piece of crap

   If it has yellow and black stripes, I run the other way, fast!

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !

   There is no pain you are receding. Britney Spears,

   That night in september 1945 if Mary Ann had only told Fred she had a headache, we all would be better off today.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   After the coronavirus passed I'm going to be in need a facebookers anonymous meeting.

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   The salons have been closed for so long nobody is posting selfies anymore. They're all posting avatars.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   Coronavirus Problem #137: How does one receive oral gratification when the other participant is wearing a mask?

   I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.