Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget dude below me and the damn rodent. I'm predicting winter will last until March 20, 2012, at 1:14 A.M. (EDT)

   its hard not to notice that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same!

   They say your sex drive decreases with age. Yes, I may do less driving, but now I get better mileage.

   Snookie's got more hip than a potamus!

   If I get one more game or app request, or send me one more farmville request I will kill all your animals and burn your crops and smoke them, then delete your ass!!!

   Froget Punxsutawney, I'm predicting March 21st.

   ..We can learn a lot in life from our crayons we had as kids; some are dull, some are bright, and they are all different colors, but they have to learn to live in the same box..(",)

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   if being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.

   I would be so much cooler if…ah, who am I kidding?

   Groundhog Day is a good time for us to pause & reflect on how much I want Andie MacDowell to sit on my face & wiggle about.

   I like reading "Texts From Last Night" when I'm hungover... It's like yeah I'm pretty ridiculous, but at least I didn't take a dump in someone's shampoo bottle and then text about it.

   I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.

   All Jack and no work, makes Jill a nymphomaniac.

   Contrary to popular belief, "Puppy Pimps" is not a good name for a dog breeder.