Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(

   kristen stewart apparently cheated on robert pattinson....perhaps she needs a bit LESS "sssparkle" and bit more FIREWORKS...this one will prolly drive him right outta the closet...

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   I remember the days when I wasn't addicted to Facebook...I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

   Rooster+Rooster=No Egg....Hen+ Hen= No Egg....Rooster+ Hen=Egg/Chicken........Now you know why Chick-fil-a supports traditional couples!

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   My car is really just a portable storage unit

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....

   President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president

   Gonna dress in drag and head on up to Chik-Fil-A!

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!

   Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   If they played it would be the 1992 ''Dream Team'' vs.2012 ''Keep Dreamin Team''

   So an eleven year old boy managed to travel all the way to Rome by himself? He must be very brave going that close to the Vatican...

   No, I don't wanna know any of your real names. I've never recovered from finding out that Ice T's name is Tracey