Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year! 
The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.
If I see one more girl create a Facebook profile for her unborn child, I will not hesitate to make a profile as a coat hanger and poke it
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Do you like Dragons? Cause in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face.
Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."
Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.
Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...
2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks
boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...
if we've learned anything from kanye west, its that hes definitely going to name his baby blue ivy
Anyone else agree that the facebook community is comprised of 98% m0rons, and the other 2% haven't figured out a way to log on?
Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.
my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!
Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.
Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever. 