Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to happiness is having something to look forward to. Lindsay Lohan turns 27 this year and there is this one club. She likes clubs.

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday

   Ok, just saw Jenny the Crypt Keeper dry hump a Bieber cardboard cutout. Seacrest should have gone down there and ash bombed her.

   I have not taken a shower since last year

   please no more gangnam style dance... keep the gangnam style back in 2012

   Well happy new year to you all mine friends wish you all the best for 2013..

   Entering 2013 the same way I entered this world! Naked crying, and alone. (Adoption Joke gone way wrong)

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a tuesday!!!

   I like my women like I like my alcohol. Gone in the morning...

   i like my women like I like my peanut butter.. super chunk

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   Peope say to me "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "hey bro, why no job?"

   the only friends I have ignore me and act like they are my boyfriend. weird

   My car has a luxurious heated steering wheel (in the months of June-August)

   Every time I see a continuous smile on a person's face, I get paranoid that they might be insecure with no money or nice partner.

   call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"