Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.

   It's colder than a tin toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg!

   I love you more than I hate everyone else.

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   Saying my first day of work in 2013 sure feels like my last day of work in 2012

   i have no new years resolution. I can't take the pressure to keep one

   *Achievement Unlocked* 15G - Reading This Status All The Way

   The difference between people with tattoos and those without is, people with tattoos don't judge those without...

   No need to get in shape for me. At work, I get enough exercise by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing co-workers in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck! 

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"

   FACEBOOK; exposing the idiots among us since September 26, 2006.

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

   My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby: Jogging. Hopefully that doesn't interfere with my other hobby, which is Lying.

   New Word: "Shoepidity"… the act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.

   I dont know why when I'm online I just gravitate towards Facebook. The computer, the internet/ service, or the Ipad are just useless and pointless with out checking my newsfeed.