Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We should agree on removing Boehner from government. He is an idiot, and his lacky supporters in the background need to push him off a cliff.....waisting American time only to finally pass the tax Bill!

   My New Year's Resolution is to be less funny on Facebook, and more cryptic and dramatic instead. By the way, today was the WORST Day EVER!

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

   OMFG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!

   TOP 3 signs I need to lose weight this year.......3-The horse on my Polo shirt is real 2-When I take the elevator, I have to go down 1-A picture of me fell off the wall

   WOOHOO! Passed my AIDS test! Got a 74%!

   Damn this brotha is BLACK! Looking like 2:15 in the damn morning!

   A Jehova Witness tried to tell me a "Knock Knock" joke, but got all mad cause I didn't answer him.

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   well that's about as frustrating as a Jehovah's Witness trying to tell a knock-knock joke.

   Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.

   Lord....Please send ALL the morons below me back to school!!

   MDS stand for multiple dumbass syndrome

   God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh