Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend…until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a parking lot...

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   My favorite vegetable is bacon...

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.

   Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   Turn on - Woman who knows how to change a tire if she absolutely had to. Turn off - Woman who insists on doing it while I'm standing there.

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.