Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love you but I'm not, "I want us to be miserable together," in love with you.

   All the places that can be kissed can also be bitten.

   If I had known life was going to be a test I would have cheated more.

   Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.