Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever sat next to someone who smelled so good you couldn't stop licking there neck? Sorry dude take it as a compliment geez!

   I am now signing up for motivational speaker training...I heard the side benefits are great.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   after sex, I want to take a nap, while my girlfriend is full of spunk!

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   Summary: IRS sorry about abusing govt power, now register your guns you paranoid freaks.

   Just having a conversation with this squirrel about why human nuts are better..

   I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.

   I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   I wish that I could put my status to what I am really thinking…

   Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?

   I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   scientific studies have shown that I hate you

   I play with my hair because I have no balls.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.