Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   I put the ass in passionate.

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   "I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman

   If you want someone who is always smiling, always happy, get a clown. Or a comedian. I need someone who can get dark with me.

   Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My a$$ hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.