Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   Listening to Ke$ha yodel over a country techno beat while Pitbull barks in Spanish has been the most confusing experience of my adult life

   This status, is guaranteed not to be on an E Card

   Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple

   When in doubt...Turn the music up.

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?

   I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

   Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.

   There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.

   I play this awesome drinking game where I take a shot at every red light...and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children.

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.

   See how everyone forgot... The comet that will be here on December 25th, is just one of Santa's Reindeers

   Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.

   I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot.

   I've got two chickens to paralyze!!! - Eddie Money

   Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.

   A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"

   We all at one time or another, were the Gods of Sea Monkeys...