Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?

   Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   Realizing my office stash of vodka is gone... this is what it feels like when doves cry.

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   Remember girls your mouth can't get pregnant.

   If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.

   I'm a lover of music and music has never betrayed me.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   Hotel showers range anywhere from "Gently peeing on you" to "Dear God, this is going to rip my nipples off!"

   just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.

   People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   Im not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!