Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   I like my women the way I like my cocaine. Smuggled in from a foreign country and sold to me at a fair price.

   Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people..

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.

   Everything I eat turns to $hit.

   Turn to the person next to you to introduce yourself and say "Pat McCrotch".

   At the end of each day, life should ask us, 'Do you want to save the changes?'

   Yoga pants have given way to skirts and dresses, and trust me ladies. The guys are just as stoked as you are. Potentially more stoked. #spring

   My coworker's inspire me to drink on the job.

   If you don't smother your food in salt we can't be high blood pressure friends...

   The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!

   God has given you one face, and you make yourself another with your drawn eyebrows, fake eyelashes and 2kilos of make up.　- William Shakespeare

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. now I'm older I like mine in the bottle

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.